male announcer: OKAY, KIDS.
- NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT! - OOF!
announcer: LET'S PUT ON A SHOW.
- ACTION!
announcer: WE'LL HAVE A FLYING PIRATE CRASH AND BLEED.
- AAH!
announcer: WE'LL MAKE IT RAIN BLOCKS OF CONCRETE.
A HOMIE WILL GET A BIG STOMACH ACHE.
[blood splattering]
announcer: PYROMANIACS ARE ALWAYS FUN.
- [screams]
announcer: A DRUG DEALING ICE CREAM MAN?
WHY NOT?
AND WE'LL WRAP IT UP WITH A DUEL,
[gun fires] - [screams]
announcer: AND A GREEK TRAGEDY.
- [screams]
announcer: WHAT'LL WE CALL IT?
THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
[hard guitar music]
announcer: DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
[trunk honking]
announcer: EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,
TOXINS,
INJURY,
ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE, WE FACE
1000 WAYS TO DIE.
- THERE'S NO VASTNESS MY LOVE CANNOT OVERCOME.
announcer: IT TAKES TALENT AND DEDICATION
TO BECOME A GOOD ACTOR.
- WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE REHEARSAL AN HOUR AGO.
announcer: PUDGY THE PIRATE HERE
HAD NEITHER.
BUT HE DIDN'T NEED IT.
- WRONG, REHEARSAL STARTS WHEN I GET HERE.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO OUT
AND BUY YOUR OWN THEATER COMPANY.
announcer: FRANKLIN WAS A DOT-COM HALF-A-BILLIONAIRE.
37 AND RETIRED.
- BRING THE RIG, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FLY, HA HA!
announcer: HE KEPT HIMSELF AMUSED BY
STARRING IN HIS OWN PRODUCTIONS.
- DEEP DOWN, THIS PERSON KNOWS
THAT THEY WOULD NEVER WIN THE ROLE.
SO THEY HAVE TO BUY THIS ROLE.
NARCISSISTS TEND TO REJECT OBJECTIVE MEASURES
ABOUT THEMSELVES IN THE WORLD AROUND THEM.
THEY'RE DRAWN TO ACTING.
THEY'RE SEEKING VALIDATION.
announcer: FRANKLIN ACTUALLY BELIEVED
HIS ACTING CAREER COULD TAKE OFF.
- KEEP THIS OUT OF MY ASS!
announcer: BUT FIRST, HE HAD TO ACHIEVE LIFT-OFF.
THE HARNESS WAS SET UP TO HOLD 180 POUNDS.
PORKY PAN TIPPED THE SCALE AT 225.
- AAH!
- THIS IS A HEAVY FELLOW.
HE PUT A LOT OF LOAD ONTO THE CABLE
AND IT SNAPPED AND FRAYED THROUGH.
YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE SYSTEM THAT'S RACING THROUGH ITSELF
TO TRY AND CATCH UP, AND EVEN OUT ITS VELOCITY.
THE CABLE'S COMING AT YOU LIKE A WHIP.
AND NOW IT'S GOT MEAT HOOKS ON IT.
THAT'S A SCENARIO FOR DEATH.
announcer: THE CUT CABLE
WHIPPED THROUGH THE AIR AT 700 MILES PER HOUR,
SLICING CLEAN THROUGH HIS JUGULAR.
FRANKLIN BLED OUT BEFORE THE
STAGE HANDS COULD CUT HIM DOWN.
- [laughing]
announcer: THERE'S A LESSON HERE, KIDS.
- IT IS TIME FOR ME TO FLY!
announcer: MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING.
HAVING ENOUGH COMMON SENSE
TO NOT MAKE YOURSELF THE STAR
OF YOUR OWN SHOW, AND FLY AROUND
UNTIL YOU KILL YOURSELF?
PRICELESS.
[blood trickling]
announcer: TINA AND SASHA ARE RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES
WHO WORK FOR A NASTY PIMP NAMED DMITRI.
- [speaking Russian]
announcer: HE KEPT THEM UNDER LOCK AND KEY
UNTIL THEIR SERVICES WERE NEEDED.
NO MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU WORK IN,
THE PIMP GAME IS ALWAYS THE SAME.
- WELL, THE NATURE OF A PIMP IS TO GET MONEY.
BOTTOM LINE IS DOLLAR SIGN.
SO WE WAKE UP THINKING ABOUT
SENDING A HO OUT THE DOOR.
TO GET SOME MORE.
HERE IN AMERICA, WHERE A WOMAN CHOOSES TO BE WITH US,
SHE CAN COME AND GO AT WILL.
AS OPPOSED TO RUSSIA.
I THINK IT'S MORE OF A FORCED TYPE OF SITUATION.
announcer: IT WAS SASHA'S TURN
TO GET HER JOHN ON.
BUT BEFORE DMITRI COULD GET IN THE CAR--
[loud crash, breaking glass]
- AAH!
[loud crash, breaking glass]
announcer: THE FREAKIEST RAINSTORM
IN MOSCOW'S HISTORY CAME DOWN HARD
ON THE ABUSIVE PIMP.
- AAH!
announcer: DMITRI HAD JUST FALLEN VICTIM
TO A CLOUD SEEDING EXPERIMENT GONE BAD.
- CLOUD SEEDING IS PURSUED BY GOVERNMENT AGENCIES.
TO ALTER THE RATE AT WHICH RAIN IS PRODUCED.
THE TWO MOST COMMON SUBSTANCES USED
ARE DRY ICE, AND SILVER IODIDE.
IT CAUSES THE LIQUID WATER TO FREEZE ON CONTACT.
announcer: RUSSIA WAS IN THE MIDST OF A TERRIBLE DROUGHT.
THE GOVERNMENT WAS SO DESPERATE FOR RAIN,
THEY TRIED A NEW TECHNIQUE,
BY THROWING BAGS OF QUICK DRY CEMENT INTO THE MIX.
THE IDEA WAS, IT WOULD HELP
THE BONDING PROCESS IN FORMING ICE CRYSTALS.
THE EXPERIMENT WAS A FAILURE.
HOUSES, CARS, AND DMITRI'S SKULL...
GOT POUNDED INTO A PULP.
BY CHUNKS OF CONCRETE INSTEAD OF RAIN.
DMITRI'S STRANGE AND IMPROBABLE DEATH
PROVED ONE THING.
EVEN IN MOSCOW,
[speaking Russian]
COMING UP.
- WHO SHOT YOU, HOMIE?
announcer: A GANGBANGER MAKES A BIG BANG.
- OH, HELL--
[blood splattering]
announcer: AND A DRUG-DEALING
ICE CREAM MAN HAS A MELTDOWN.
[police sirens wailing]
announcer: GANGBANGING IN ALBUQUERQUE
IS NO JOKE.
AS A GATEWAY TOWN FOR ILLEGALS--
- COME ON, WAKE UP!
announcer: THE LEVEL OF CRIMINAL VIOLENCE IS HIGH.
- LET'S GO, WE GOTTA GET HIM TO A DOCTOR, MAN.
announcer: THE ONLY ONE THESE CHOLOS
COULD TAKE HIM TO...
[knock on door]
announcer: WAS A GUY KNOWN AS MR. STITCHES.
- GET IN. GET IN, BOY.
- COME ON, COME ON IN.
- AN EX-DOCTOR WHO LOST HIS LICENSE AFTER
HAVING SEX WITH HIS ANAESTHISIZED PATIENTANAESTHETIZED.
- GET HIM OVER HERE. OKAY.
- [distorted voice] THESE GANG MEMBERS,
THEY DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE HOSPITALS
AND POLICE AND LAW ENFORCEMENTS.
SO, YOU KNOW, I'M THE GUY.
I DEAL WITH GUNSHOT WOUNDS.
LACERATIONS. STAB WOUNDS.
I'VE SEEN A GUY COME IN THERE WITH HIS HEAD CRUSHED.
I DO A VERY GOOD JOB.
SO AS LONG AS I'M DOING A GOOD JOB,
NOBODY'S MESSING WITH ME.
- COME ON, MAN. I NEED MY HOMEBOY ALIVE!
OR YOU AIN'T GONNA GET PAID!
- JUST SHUT UP, AND LET ME DO MY JOB!
- YOU TRYIN' TO GET CRAZY WITH ME?
NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT!
- HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT THE DOCTOR, EDDIE!
- WE'LL DO IT OURSELVES. GIVE ME THAT TUBE, ESE.
COME ON, DON'T TRIP.
announcer: EDUARDO HAD SEEN
HIS SHARE OF ER RE-RUNS.
IF STITCHES COULD SHOVE A TUBE DOWN ENRIQUE'S THROAT,
WHY COULDN'T HE?
- YEAH, I GOT IT, MAN, I GOT IT.
JUST TURN IT ON, TURN ON THE MACHINE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE, MAN?
- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS THING, HOLMES.
- OH!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN.
[blood splattering]
announcer: THAT'S WHY.
- COME ON, MAN.
- ESOPHAGEAL INTUBATIONS ARE ACTUALLY
A RELATIVELY COMMON MISTAKE,
IN THE HANDS OF AN UNTRAINED INDIVIDUAL.
BECAUSE THE ESOPHAGUS IS LOCATED BEHIND THE TRACHEA,
WHERE THE TUBE IS SUPPOSED TO GO.
UNLIKE THE LUNGS, THE STOMACH HAS NO WAY
OF EXPELLING AIR.
IF YOU DON'T PULL IT OUT IN TIME,
THE STOMACH CAN BLOW UP LIKE A BALLOON.
announcer: ENRIQUE THOUGHT SNEAKING
INTO THIS COUNTRY AND LEADING A LIFE OF CRIME
WAS A GOOD IDEA.
- YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT THE DOCTOR, EDDIE!
announcer: HEY, ENRIQUE.
THIS IS WHY THEY CALL IT GANG...
- OH, HELL NO!
[blood splattering]
announcer: BANG.
RICHARD WASN'T YOUR TYPICAL HIKER.
HE WAS A LONELY GUY WHO WENT INTO THE WOODS
TO RELIEVE SOME TENSION.
BUT HE DIDN'T GET OFF ON PEEPING ON KIDS MAKING OUT.
- [laughing]
announcer: RICHARD WAS A PYROMANIAC.
- PYROMANIA IS CONSIDERED AN IMPULSE CONTROL DISORDER.
IT IS ABOUT LETTING GO OF STRESS INSIDE.
ARSON ON THE OTHER HAND, IS JUST FOR,
PERHAPS MONETARY GAINS.
SO IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT PHENOMENA.
PYROMANIA IS ABOUT THE RUSH.
OFTEN WITH A VERY STRONG SEXUAL SORT OF RELEASE INVOLVED.
announcer: RICHARD USUALLY FED
HIS COMPULSIVE PERVERSION BY
TORCHING HIS NEIGHBORS' TRASH CANS.
- AH-AH-AH-AH!
announcer: NOW HE WAS LOOKING TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
BUT RICHARD WASN'T JUST A PYROMANIAC.
HE WAS A TOTAL DOOFUS.
HE ACCIDENTALLY GOT SOME LIGHTER FLUID ON HIS PANTS.
AND WHEN THE TREE WENT UP,
SO DID RICHARD.
AND HERE'S THE KICKER.
THE FIRE BURNED HIM, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT KILLED HIM.
- WITH SEVERE THIRD DEGREE BURNS,
THIS EXTREME HEAT WILL CAUSE YOUR CARTILAGE TO MELT.
AND YOUR JOINTS WILL FUSE.
AS HE JUMPED INTO THE COLD WATER,
HE WENT INTO SHOCK AND BECAME IMMEDIATELY CONFUSED.
WITH ALL OF THESE FACTORS, HE WOULD NOT
BE ABLE TO SAVE HIMSELF.
AND THEREFORE HE'D DROWN FROM HIS INJURIES.
announcer: RICHARD'S CAREER AS A PYRO REALLY CAUGHT FIRE.
BUT THEN, HE COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT.
AND FINALLY...
- [screaming]
announcer: HE WENT UNDER.
[ice cream truck music playing]
announcer: WHEN IS AN ICE CREAM TRUCK
NOT AN ICE CREAM TRUCK?
WHEN IT'S RUN BY THIS DUDE.
SALVADOR.
- TWO CHOCOLATE BARS.
announcer: SAL WAS A SLEAZE BAG
DRUG DEALER WHO CAME UPON THIS BRILLIANT DISGUISE.
INSTEAD OF FROZEN TREATS FOR KIDS,
HE SOLD WEED, PILLS, AND POWDERS FOR STRUNG OUT ADULTS.
- THE MOST INNOVATIVE WAY I'VE SEEN--
I'VE HEARD OF SELLING DRUGS,
BASICALLY IS HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.
YOU PAY ME ON THE CORNER, AND YOU GO ON
THE OTHER CORNER AND PICK IT UP UNDER A ROCK.
announcer: SAL HAD HIS REGULARS.
BUSINESS MEN LOOKING FOR SOME LUNCH TIME COKE.
- REGULAR? - YEAH, GIVE ME THE USUAL.
announcer: HARDCORE JUNKIES.
AND JUMPY METH HEADS.
- DO YOU GOT BROWN BUNNY TODAY?
- DO YOU HAVE CASH? - YEAH, MAN.
announcer: ONE RULE OF DOING BUSINESS.
THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS RIGHT.
- I CHANGED MY MIND.
- WHAT? - GIVE ME EVERYTHING.
announcer: EXCEPT WHEN HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU.
- EVERYTHING!
announcer: SAL MADE A CLEAN GETAWAY.
UNTIL HE TOOK A CORNER A LITTLE TOO FAST.
THE ICE CHEST TOPPLED OVER,
RELEASING A CLOUD OF REFRIGERANT.
CHLOROFLUOROCARBON IS AN ODORLESS GAS
COMMONLY FOUND IN AIR CONDITIONERS
AND REFRIGERATORS.
EXPOSURE IN POORLY VENTILATED SPACES
CAN CAUSE DIZZINESS, LACK OF COORDINATION,
AND EVENTUALLY LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
KNOCKED OUT COLD BY THE CFC VAPORS,
SAL SLAMMED INTO A TREE AT 50 MILES AN HOUR.
- A RUPTURED AORTIC VALVE IS CAUSED BY BLUNT TRAUMA.
THE AORTIC VALVE SUPPLIES THE HEART AND THE BODY WITH BLOOD.
WITH DISRUPTION OF THIS ARTERY,
WHAT CAN HAPPEN IS YOU HAVE A LACK OF BLOOD SUPPLY,
AND IT LEADS TO DEATH IMMEDIATELY.
announcer: SALVADOR WAS A DRUG DEALING MR. FREEZE.
- DO YOU GOT BROWN BUNNY TODAY? - DO YOU HAVE CASH?
announcer: BUT WHEN ONE OF HIS CUSTOMERS TURNED ON HIM--
- EVERYTHING!
announcer: HIS BUSINESS WENT BUST.
[warped ice cream truck music playing]
announcer: AND HE GOT CREAMED.
UP NEXT.
- LONG LIVE HIS MAJESTY THE KING.
announcer: AFTER A BAD PERFORMANCE,
THIS GUY NEEDS A HAND.
- OH!
announcer: AND GREEK IS THE WORD.
- NO!
announcer: AND THAT'S NO BULL.
- GENTLEMEN, SELECT YOUR WEAPONS.
announcer: WE'RE BACK IN 1775.
JIM IS A BRITISH CAPTAIN.
HE'S ABOUT TO DUEL WITH AN AMERICAN PATRIOT.
- HANG ON, GUYS. - WAIT, DON'T MOVE.
announcer: BUT IT'S NOT REALLY 1775.
- STEP THAT WAY FOR A MINUTE.
announcer: IT'S 2005.
- CAMERAS ROLLING.
announcer: AND IT'S A SCENE BEING SHOT
FOR A LOW BUDGET MOVIE ABOUT THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
[gun fires]
- CUT! THAT'S A CUT.
COME ON, PEOPLE, WE'RE LOSING LIGHT HERE, LET'S GO!
- [speaks indistinctly]
announcer: SAMUEL PLAYS THE LEAD,
THE HEROIC AMERICAN.
IN THIS NEXT SCENE, SAMUEL IS SUPPOSED TO DUEL
WITH HIS BRITISH ENEMY, JIM.
AND KILL HIM.
- ACTION.
- LONG LIVE HIS MAJESTY THE KING.
- LONG LIVE OUR NEW REPUBLIC.
- JIM, CAN YOU DO IT A LITTLE MORE SNEERING,
AND A LITTLE MORE ARROGANT?
- YES.
- OKAY, TOM. WE'RE READY.
announcer: BUT JIM IS NOT HAPPY.
HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO GET THE LEADING ROLE,
BUT HIS ACTING WAS AS BAD AS HIS FIVE-DOLLAR WIG.
- ACTION.
- LONG LIVE HIS MAJESTY THE KING.
- LONG LIVE OUR NEW REPUBLIC.
announcer: THE LOW RENT PRODUCTION COMPANY
SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER BACKGROUND CHECKS
ON ITS ACTORS.
IF THEY HAD, THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN
JIM HAD A CRIMINAL RECORD AS BIG AS HIS EGO.
HE SECRETLY FILLED THE CHAMBER WITH A REAL LEAD BALL.
SAMUEL'S DEATH WOULD BE SEEN AS AN ACCIDENT,
AND THE ROLE WOULD BE HIS.
- THE FLINTLOCK PISTOL WAS A VERY SIMPLE MECHANISM.
YOU PUT THE POWDER CHARGE IN,
YOU PUT A BALL ON TOP OF IT.
WHATEVER THE CALIBER WAS.
CLOSE THE PRISM, WHICH IGNITED THE POWDER.
- [indistinct]
- SET.
- ACTION!
- AND ONE.
announcer: THEY COUNTED OFF THEIR PACES.
- TWO.
- THREE. - THREE.
announcer: SOON, JIM WOULD HAVE THE STAR'S TRAILER.
- FOUR. - FIRE.
- AAH! - OH!
- OH, NO! CUT, CUT, CUT!
- [screaming]
announcer: LOOKS LIKE HIS PLAN BACKFIRED.
THE JEALOUS ACTOR MADE A FATAL ERROR
WHEN LOADING HIS PISTOL.
HE USED WAY TOO MUCH GUNPOWDER.
WHEN JIM PULLED THE TRIGGER,
THE PISTOL BECAME A DEADLY HAND GRENADE.
EXCESSIVE POWDER BLEW UP THE BARREL,
BLEW UP HIS HAND,
AND SHRAPNEL FROM THE BARREL CUT DEEPLY INTO HIS LEG.
SEVERING HIS FEMORAL ARTERY.
- A PERSON WHO HAS HIS HAND BLOWN OFF FROM AN INJURY
WOULD SUFFER SOME BLOOD LOSS.
NOT MAJOR.
THIS POOR GUY DIED BECAUSE OF
THE CUTTING OF HIS FEMORAL ARTERY,
WHICH RESULTED IN BLOOD LOSS FROM HIS HEART
GOING TO HIS LOWER EXTREMITY.
AND THAT CAUSES DEATH.
announcer: JIM WAS DESPERATE TO BE A BIG STAR.
- LONG LIVE HIS MAJESTY THE KING.
announcer: AND WOULD KILL TO GET THAT LEADING ROLE.
IN THE END, HIS DEATH SCENE WAS--
[gun fire]
- [screaming] - OH, NO!
CUT, CUT, CUT!
announcer: VERY BELIEVABLE.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A KING.
AND A PEASANT.
IN 560 B.C., PHALARIS RULED OVER THE GREEK EMPIRE.
PERILAUS WAS A SIMPLE BRONZE WORKER.
THE KING LIVED LIKE...
A KING.
PERILAUS WANTED SOME OF THE GOOD LIFE TOO.
SO HE PRAYED TO THE GODS.
- [speaking Greek]
announcer: AND ZEUS ANSWERED.
[thunder claps]
- [yelling in Greek]
announcer: PHALARIS WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW AND CRUELER WAYS
TO TORTURE AND KILL HIS ENEMIES.
PERILAUS HAD THE ANSWER.
A BRONZE BULL, IN WHICH AN ENEMY
COULD BE PLACED INSIDE, HEATED UP, AND COOKED.
- [laughing]
announcer: STEAM FROM THE VICTIM'S BODILY FLUIDS
WOULD MAKE THE BULL WHISTLE...LIKE A TEAPOT.
[steam whistling
- THE BRAZEN BULL WAS A LARGE BULL,
1 1/2 TIMES THE SIZE OF A COMMON COW.
AND IT WAS MADE BASICALLY TO PRESSURE COOK SOMEONE.
VICTIMS WOULD BE PLACED INTO THE BELLY OF THE BULL,
AND LOCKED INSIDE.
THEN A FIRE WOULD BE BUILT UNDER THE BULL.
ESSENTIALLY COOKING THE VICTIM ALIVE INSIDE OF IT.
AND IT WAS A HORRIBLE, SLOW, TEDIOUS DEATH INSIDE THIS THING.
announcer: AFTER LABORING LONG AND HARD,
PERILAUS WAS READY TO SHOW OFF HIS INVENTION.
[cheers and applause]
announcer: IF HE SOLD THE KING ON HIS BULL,
THE GOOD LIFE WOULD BE HIS TO ENJOY.
- LOOK AT THIS!
- [laughing]
announcer: BUT PHALARIS WAS NOTORIOUSLY UNPREDICTABLE.
WHEN IT CAME TIME TO TEST DRIVE THE GIANT PRESSURE-COOKER,
THE KING DIDN'T LOOK TOO FAR FOR ITS FIRST VICTIM.
- GUARDS, SEIZE HIM! - NO!
NO, COME ON! PLEASE, NO!
NO, NO!
[crying]
announcer: BURNING COALS PUT THE PEDAL TO THE KETTLE.
- [screaming]
announcer: AND SLOWLY BROUGHT
THE TEMPERATURE INSIDE TO A TOGA-ROASTING 900 DEGREES.
- [screaming]
announcer: AT 150 DEGREES,
PERILAUS COULD BARELY BREATHE.
AS THE TEMPERATURE ROSE ABOVE 200 DEGREES,
HIS ENTIRE BODY, WHICH IS MADE UP OF 70% WATER,
STARTED TO BOIL.
[steam whistling]
announcer: FINALLY...
- [laughing]
announcer: HIS DEATH KNELL CAME
IN THE FORM OF A HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE.
- THIS MAN DIED AT AROUND 150 DEGREES.
INSIDE THE BULL.
THE AIR GOT SO HOT THAT HE COULDN'T BREATHE.
IT WAS ACTUALLY BURNING HIS LUNGS.
SECOND, MOST OF US ARE MADE UP OF WATER.
HIS BLOOD IS BOILING.
HE'S GONNA EXPLODE ALL OVER THE INSIDE
OF THAT BRAZEN BULL.
announcer: PERILAUS WANTED MORE OUT OF LIFE.
- [speaking Greek]
announcer: HE TRIED TO IMPRESS THE KING.
- NO!
announcer: AND WOUND UP...
COOKING HIS OWN GOOSE.
[steam whistling]
announcer: AND THAT'S NO BULL.